The 27 Required Steps to Have a Child – According to a 9 Year Old

One of my projects is another book – I’m not sure yet whether it’ll be memoir or fiction. There are pros and cons to each genre, and topping the list of considerations is the impact on my family—especially my daughter, Hope—if I choose to stick with memoir. I’m sure I’ll explore this decision in future posts, but for now, here’s one possible chapter.



Hope’s suggested steps for having a child:

1)    First, go to a hockey game.

2)    Then you meet at a Valentine’s Party.

3)    Grab a box of chocolates and the nearest bouquet.

4)    Suddenly, find yourself in a fancy restaurant (you are transported).

5)    Move in together.

6)    But always sleeping the other way.

7)    Expand the house.

8)    Make a spa room.

9)    Tell ghost stories to each other at night; have trouble going to sleep.

10) The wife starts to buy new bras.

11) The man starts to buy new underwear.

12) Try to get into the Olympics; don’t make it.

13) Buy a dog; housebreak it.

14) Finally, marry.

15) Go to Hawaii for your honeymoon; the plane breaks down—be rescued by a ship.

16) Get to Hawaii. Think is it over rated. Go back home.

17) Make a garden. Plant fruit trees.

18) Buy toys for the kid.

19) Buy diapers, bibs, bottles, finally, a crib.

20) Get condoms in case you’re not ready.

21) Then do it a couple of times with the condoms.

22) Have sex without a condom.

23) People call the lady fat.

24) She starts having pressure.

25) Go to the hospital. Lie down while maids talk to their boyfriends.

26) Finally, have the baby. Think it looks like an over-sized prune.

27) The kid will grow up and go to a hockey game . . .

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